Happiness

My friend told me she misses my writing, she misses me writing and she missed me wholly.

Summer has been, well, not summer-y for me at all because I’m having my internship at our local TV station here. I want to complain because I haven’t had really a vacation, I’m not able to enjoy the company of my family, I am always the odd one man out whenever there are gatherings or whenever my family goes somewhere. I miss out some of our barkada’s outings and stuff. In short, I am left behind.

But part of me’s actually enjoying my internship because of the company that I get to keep. Not to mention, the things that I get to learn everyday in the world of media. The emotions that I have to endure, my working ethics and some other things that I notice. 

I’d be lying if I said that I don’t want it to end. I’m craving for time with my family and friends, and I want to have my freedom already. But whatever, just like what the old cliche goes, time flies so fast, so I guess I’d just have to enjoy the ride. 

Lana, eh. 

A funny world

A whole new world, the song says. But that I can’t seem to grasp— it’s like really a dream, a dream that even if I dare, I still won’t reach. Even if that song makes me hopeful because of its message, right now I do not know if it’s still even possible that a whole new world really exists.

They say that dreams are not unreachable. That if it’s possible if you’ll just believe and do it. And the ironic part about me is, I think these things are just a state of mind. If I make it happen, if I do try really hard, other things don’t go my way.

But I am not giving up.

I applied to different practicum sites this summer. I specifically opted to go to Summit Media because it’s been always my dream, ever since I realized that I really love writing, to work in a well-known publishing house and be part of the world of such creative people. But the odds aren’t in my favor.

It’s funny because I envisioned myself walking past the cubicles of Summit Media, but it didn’t work for me. My friends and I submitted our resumes at their office, but up until now we weren’t called by their HR. Even before third year started, I already e-mailed Summit Media, did a follow-up after a few months of submitting our resume. The result: nada.

So I didn’t dream of having my practicum in Manila anymore. I gave up on it. I told myself that I won’t have my practicum there if it’s not in Summit Media. I’ve always wanted to write so I was thirsty for getting the position. In the end, I had to resort to one of our local stations here in Pampanga, which is relatively good because the channel covers up the whole region, hey. And there are a lot of good shows and well-known and celebrated journalists there. It’s pretty decent, it’s a treat to be having my OJT there, the environment, I think, will be nice and our professor tells us all the time that it’s actually a good training ground because they’re all hands-on compared to the national channels. But it’s not Summit Media. 

One day, one moment, one dream— it’ll all happen. Just not now. I think it’s not the right time just yet. But it will happen. 

The cloak of invisibility

This morning I had this pressing need to write. I haven’t put much time into writing for the past few weeks because I’m so tired, so uninspired and so confused all at the same time.

This world is a deceitful place.

I know I’m always the person who keeps telling that whatever happens, one must remain positive. That one must just ignore the nuances that this world inevitably offers. That everything happens for a reason and you just have to move on with it.

Newsflash: the world isn’t entirely a happy place. 

It’s filled with bad things. Bad things that will make you just frown and question yourself, or worse, God, as to why such things are happening with you, within you or to you. Things aren’t always gonna go your way. The odds aren’t always in your favour. 

And guess what. You just have to accept that this is life as it is. It amuses me that I used to believe in sudden change. I hoped and I’ve always dreamed for people to change for the better to make this world a better place. But it hasn’t happened. It isn’t happening. 

But I am not giving up just yet. Now, at this very moment, I’d like to believe that I am a wiser person than I used to be. I now know who’s capable and has a chance to change; and is very much hungry for it. I can see right through people’s motives, I’ve now finally learned to trust my gut and impressions toward someone. And those are usually right. And I will not deprive myself the chance to push myself beyond my limit without hurting anybody along the way. It’s just not right. But if someone does hurt me intentionally, then I don’t give a damn. It’s about time for me to become selfish and find my pursuit of happiness. And through that, albeit me being selfish, I could share my blessings to those people who deserve the love that I give them.

And I just know who the right people are. 

2013, you’ve just started and I didn’t particularly like how this year began. But I’m truly thankful because in that short span of time, you’ve unblinded me by the shadows that are creeping around me.