Her Road To Sunshine

My friend told me she misses my writing, she misses me writing and she missed me wholly.

Summer has been, well, not summer-y for me at all because I’m having my internship at our local TV station here. I want to complain because I haven’t had really a vacation, I’m not able to enjoy the company of my family, I am always the odd one man out whenever there are gatherings or whenever my family goes somewhere. I miss out some of our barkada’s outings and stuff. In short, I am left behind.

But part of me’s actually enjoying my internship because of the company that I get to keep. Not to mention, the things that I get to learn everyday in the world of media. The emotions that I have to endure, my working ethics and some other things that I notice. 

I’d be lying if I said that I don’t want it to end. I’m craving for time with my family and friends, and I want to have my freedom already. But whatever, just like what the old cliche goes, time flies so fast, so I guess I’d just have to enjoy the ride. 

Lana, eh. 

A whole new world, the song says. But that I can’t seem to grasp— it’s like really a dream, a dream that even if I dare, I still won’t reach. Even if that song makes me hopeful because of its message, right now I do not know if it’s still even possible that a whole new world really exists.

They say that dreams are not unreachable. That if it’s possible if you’ll just believe and do it. And the ironic part about me is, I think these things are just a state of mind. If I make it happen, if I do try really hard, other things don’t go my way.

But I am not giving up.

I applied to different practicum sites this summer. I specifically opted to go to Summit Media because it’s been always my dream, ever since I realized that I really love writing, to work in a well-known publishing house and be part of the world of such creative people. But the odds aren’t in my favor.

It’s funny because I envisioned myself walking past the cubicles of Summit Media, but it didn’t work for me. My friends and I submitted our resumes at their office, but up until now we weren’t called by their HR. Even before third year started, I already e-mailed Summit Media, did a follow-up after a few months of submitting our resume. The result: nada.

So I didn’t dream of having my practicum in Manila anymore. I gave up on it. I told myself that I won’t have my practicum there if it’s not in Summit Media. I’ve always wanted to write so I was thirsty for getting the position. In the end, I had to resort to one of our local stations here in Pampanga, which is relatively good because the channel covers up the whole region, hey. And there are a lot of good shows and well-known and celebrated journalists there. It’s pretty decent, it’s a treat to be having my OJT there, the environment, I think, will be nice and our professor tells us all the time that it’s actually a good training ground because they’re all hands-on compared to the national channels. But it’s not Summit Media. 

One day, one moment, one dream— it’ll all happen. Just not now. I think it’s not the right time just yet. But it will happen. 

This morning I had this pressing need to write. I haven’t put much time into writing for the past few weeks because I’m so tired, so uninspired and so confused all at the same time.

This world is a deceitful place.

I know I’m always the person who keeps telling that whatever happens, one must remain positive. That one must just ignore the nuances that this world inevitably offers. That everything happens for a reason and you just have to move on with it.

Newsflash: the world isn’t entirely a happy place. 

It’s filled with bad things. Bad things that will make you just frown and question yourself, or worse, God, as to why such things are happening with you, within you or to you. Things aren’t always gonna go your way. The odds aren’t always in your favour. 

And guess what. You just have to accept that this is life as it is. It amuses me that I used to believe in sudden change. I hoped and I’ve always dreamed for people to change for the better to make this world a better place. But it hasn’t happened. It isn’t happening. 

But I am not giving up just yet. Now, at this very moment, I’d like to believe that I am a wiser person than I used to be. I now know who’s capable and has a chance to change; and is very much hungry for it. I can see right through people’s motives, I’ve now finally learned to trust my gut and impressions toward someone. And those are usually right. And I will not deprive myself the chance to push myself beyond my limit without hurting anybody along the way. It’s just not right. But if someone does hurt me intentionally, then I don’t give a damn. It’s about time for me to become selfish and find my pursuit of happiness. And through that, albeit me being selfish, I could share my blessings to those people who deserve the love that I give them.

And I just know who the right people are. 

2013, you’ve just started and I didn’t particularly like how this year began. But I’m truly thankful because in that short span of time, you’ve unblinded me by the shadows that are creeping around me. 

Looking back, 2012 has been a really good year for me. With family, academics, friends, new-found friends, extra-curriculars, new possessions, and experiences, I can truly say that it has been a crazy, mesmerising, surreal and enchanting ride. And I thank God for all of it. 

Hailed as, and self-proclaimed Ms. Congeniality.

When I shifted to Comm. Arts, I had to take classes from different blocks and year levels. At first, I was afraid and shy as hell because I was used to being part of a single block when I was in the Accountancy department. I was confined to the idea that I will be out of place, that I would sulk in the dark corners of each classrooms that I get into and wait for someone to talk to me. It turned out that these people are actually the ones who initiate the simple talks that turned out to be deep ones. The whole experience made me communicate and connect with other people in all walks of life, I learned how to adjust with my environment and I discovered that I, with my kind of picky taste, love where I am at the moment. 

Celebrating my 18th birthday with all of my closest friends.

Being the shy person that I am, I opted to not have the traditional debutante ball. I wanted it to be intimate, informal in a sense that it’d not have a program flow— just spontaneous ones. Because I am a person who craves for spontaneity. And with the help of my parents and my crazy sister, my dream birthday party that looked like a children party came to life. And I couldn’t ask for more, except the presence of some of my friends who weren’t able to come, and of course, my Dad who was at Europe then. I never wanted to be the centre of attention, I hate it when people look at me and draw their attention at me. It’s not because I’ve a low self-esteem, it’s because it makes me happy whenever I see the people around me that I care the most happy. Kind of hypocritical? Why, that’s me. And it’s kind of evident with the kind of party that I had then. I’d also like to really, really, thank my parents for letting me spend my birthday separately with my friends and relatives because it’d be a burden for me to entertain both. Thank you, mom and dad. :) And for making me the happiest girl that night, especially to my Accountancy friends who had their Midterm exams for their majors the next day but still managed to attend my party. And I’d also like to thank my dear friends for joining me to the Hot Air Balloon Festival the next day!

An escape to the beautiful place called Bohol and spending most of my days last summer in Manila with my lovely family.

Like I said before, I love spontaneous events. The Bohol trip with my family wasn’t a planned one. It was just my sister fooling around and begging for everyone to go to the beach that this trip took place. I wasn’t excited, to be honest. I actually wanted to go to abroad, specifically go back to Hong Kong because I wanted to go shopping and the scorching heat last summer made me feel so bad then. But I was glad that I did not ask them to go there, because Bohol’s indeed an enchanting place. I fell in love there; with the beaches, the people, the nature, the food and Bohol itself. It really is an underrated place, and I’d prefer for it to be so that it’ll preserve its beauty unlike other beaches that are already polluted and such. I’d book a flight back to Bohol any day. 

Being a legit Broadcast Journalism major.

As an irregular student, I longed for the sense of belongingness in the department. At first, it wasn’t easy. I wasn’t able to hang out long enough with my new-found friends because I had a crazy schedule that’s not the same of theirs, so I had a routine back then that’s kind of like: home-school-home-school. But when third year stepped in, I became part of a single block— the Broadcast Journalism majors. My high school friends know how much I complain about not feeling my course because at first it was just laid-back. But when we got into our third year, I choked on everything what I said. Our professors literally killed us with all their requirements! I am not even exaggerating here or something. There’d even come a time when I had to stay up for 72 hours, draining every amount of energy and ATP that I have in my system just to be done with all the deadly deadlines and stuff. We had to make films, magazine shows, publish our own magazine from scratch, ride the boat and endure the almost 3-hour ride just for us to do an ocular visit, go home at around 12am, and go around the city just to be able to accomplish all our work. That’s why I kept on saying that Comm. Arts is really not for the weak. Not only you’d have to extract all your creative juices just to produce a beautifully directed film, but you’d also exhaust every, every amount of your energy. But at the end of it all, I can say is that, we are winners, up to this date. These whirlwind of experiences made us strong, patient, responsible, and at the same time, appreciative of what each and everyone of us can do. And it also made me appreciate my mom and dad’s efforts more whenever I had to bring half of my classmates at home for the shooting, editing and the whatnots.. My mom even allowed me to have my guy friends in my room. (Which I thought wasn’t even a remote possibility back then!) I couldn’t thank my parents and God enough for letting me experience all of this.

Labelled as Mel, the clingy one.

With all the crazy busy schedule that we had last semester, I still managed to meet up with some of my best friends back in high school and even college. I was thankful for Bea because everytime I needed an escape from the world of college, I’d always run into her if there’d be an opportunity for us to meet and feel like high school once again. Potin, on the other hand, who’s always busy and MIA, thankfully still finds time to spend with her best friend who’s super clingy over her. Haha! Oh my elusive best friend, I’m really happy that I got to spend some time with her this year despite of her telling me that between the both of us, I’m the busy one. Heh. And with my Accountancy friends, who I, admittedly, have kind of grown apart because of our schedules not allowing us to see each other. On our last school day for this year, I got the chance to hang out with them finally! And it made me realise that these girls never fail to make me laugh non-stop, as in literally. I could only hope that we would get to that again once in a while. I’d like to think and believe that they’re the ones who would stay permanently in my life. 

A life-altering interview with Lolo Lito, the candy man.

When we were doing our magazine, we considered making a write-up for the well-known candy man all over Angeles, Lolo Lito. When he shared his painfully beautiful life story with Borge and I, I couldn’t help but think how lucky most of us are now these days. Lolo Lito had and still is, enduring a lot of trials in his life, but ironically, is a very happy person. His smile is just contagious, it makes my heart swell knowing that such good-hearted people experience these kind of hardships in life; that in his old age, he still has to sell these candies every night. It makes me happy that he has really a positive outlook in life, that despite all odds, despite the universe conspiring against his will to be in an okay state with his family, he still keeps his feet on the ground with his arms stretched up above as he turns all his problems to Jesus. That’s why a lot of people love him and care for him. I hope one day, he’s gonna be okay. And I’m truly eternally blessed to have my name written all over his notebook where he scribbles the names of the people who have helped him through the years. I will always pray for you, Lolo Lito. 

The birth of The Road To Sunshine.

Ever since I was in high school, I was part of the blogging scene. Only, I had no permanent blog. Not until this one came. Back then, I was really afraid to express my thoughts in public. I always set my blogs then in private, having passwords and stuff that’ll not make any one soul in the cyberspace read it. So when I shifted to Comm. Arts, one of my friends pressed me to have a blog that’s set for the public to read. And surprisingly, I considered that suggestion then voila! This came to life. I would also like to thank Bea for making my header and layout because she knows how much I hated HTML. I could only hope for this blog to endure and for my dear readers to at least get something from my thoughts? Hehe. And I’d also like to thank my dearest guy best friend who keeps on encouraging me to write, Manuel… I hate you so, brother. I’d mention you here because you might be lurking. Hahahaha. And to my best friend, Potin, too. For making me realise that writing is really my first love. You know me too well, Monica. And for my sweet sweet Mother nature, for criticising, like you said, constructively, my wordplay on this blog. I love you so. Thank you for making me a grammar nazi. Hahaha.

Going back to the place where it all started: St. Scholastica’s Academy.

Every year, I would find a time to visit my dearest Alma Mater for 11 years, St. Scho. I love going back to this place and being in the same corridors several years ago. It made me value how much this school had inculcated within the depths of my being, my awe-inspiring teachers who have pushed my limits back in high school just for me to realise what I am really capable of because they trusted me and my abilities. It’s the place where I met most of my lifetime friends, those who I know I’d confide into no matter how much the distance we have now because of college. It’s the place where everyone felt like not alienated by anyone, because we were a big family there. It’s truly our home away from home. 

Seeing my favourite book come into life and have it justified by the film adaptation.

So when I was confused as hell back then with the Accountancy vs. Comm. Arts drama, I was in the middle of reading this book by Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower. There was this one scenario that was kind of a signal for me to finally make the big switch and choose letters over numbers when Charlie was told by his professor that one day, he’s going to write his own book. That was one of my infinite moments in my life. I clung on to the book like it’s my own piece of literary Bible, I held on to it through the years and upon seeing one of the movie stills last October of 2011, I was enraged and at the same time happy because I didn’t want the spirit of the book to be violated by the movie adaptation. And just a few months ago, when I was in the cinema witnessing three of my favourite fictional characters come to life, I wasn’t disappointed. In fact, I loved every bit of it that I bawled my eyes out not caring if anyone was laughing at me whenever they hear me weep over some scenes in the movie. Hahaha! I loved the fact that Stephen Chbosky himself directed it and wrote the screenplay for the movie. I was just disappointed that they changed the tunnel song and they didn’t include some of my favourite parts in the book. But at any rate, seeing it come to life was an infinite moment for me. I love you, Charlie, Sam and Patrick. Okay? Okay.

Mother Nature, officially a senior citizen.

It still amuses me that mom now has a senior citizen card with her. It also amuses people around her upon knowing that she’s already sixty. To me, she’s just like my big sister. With all her crazy quirks and antics, it makes me feel the luckiest daughter in the world for having her as my mom and I’m so lucky to have a mother who will endure my kind of personality. I love my mother to bits, I’d do anything for her and someday, I’d make her and Daddy proud because they deserve that after all the hard work they’ve devoted for us to be happy. I pray for her health and Dad’s too, because they’re not getting any younger. I want them in my life till infinity and beyond. If there’s life after infinity, that’s even better. I love them so. 

Acquiring my baby, The Sunshine Factory.

I wasn’t happy and content with the netbook that my Dad gave me several years ago because I’m not able to do a lot of things there, so my parents bought me a MacBook Pro. I’d like to believe that I am not a spoiled kid right here, but I’d just think that my parents think I deserve this because of all the hard work I’ve been putting with my academics. When asked by one of best friends as to what shall I name it, I can’t remember if I/he said for it to be The Sunshine Factory since it’s kind of the source where I spread all my sunshiney vibes in this world. I pray that it’ll last for a long, long, long time with me. I don’t want to be labeled as the destroyer in our family. Har ha. 

High school never ends.

I am so blessed to have high school friends that aren’t drifters. I know they are, why, they got to be, a few of those who will stay in my life. It’s always fun to catch up with them everytime the universe allows us to because with them, there’s no drama. It’s pure fun and sheer bliss all the time. Sometimes I even ask God what have I done to have them in my life as my beloved friends. 

The CineKabalen 2012.

We tried. And I personally believe that we succeeded. Gusto Da Ka, to you our dear film entry for CineKabalen, right back at you. Idon’t have to go on and on about our experiences here because I made a separate blog post about it already, hey. But just for the heck of it, this has got to be on top of my list… Next to something and something. Hehehe. 

Posting a picture of me, hooray, Mel!

Thank you, 2012! Thank you because you’ve been amazingly awesome for me despite all the shenanigans that I had to go through, the weight gain that I am now suffering with, the cluttered room that I now have, and the bittersweet twists and turns you had prepared for me. I’ve also earned two of my most beautiful gifts this 2012, my dearest silhouettes, Pandora and Adonis. And this year made me a whole lot wiser, I guess. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve owned you, 2012. Thank you for this marvellous joyride. Thank you, Lord.

(Written on December 31, 2012; 12:35 AM.)

2013, I will also own you. I must. Please be a wonderful year. 

Cheers to 2013, my dear readers!

December 25, 2012.

Happy birthday, Jesus! Merry Christmas to my lovely readers!! :)

Whoa, this year has been moving way too fast, right? World, please let’s take a moment of silence and breathe. I cannot believe that it’s almost 2013 already. A couple of years ago, a lot of us were anticipating about what might happen in 2012. Others even thought that 2011 is the last Christmas celebration here on Earth. But evidently, those things aren’t true because we’re still here celebrating Jesus Christ’s birth.

It’s been said that Christmas is really the most wonderful time of the year. It’s the season of giving, it’s the season of merriment, it’s the season where families gather to have their Noche Buena, it’s the season when people feel extra mushy to their loved ones and friends, it’s the season of commemorating Jesus’ birth, our Saviour. 

Personally, Christmas makes me super happy. We have a small family and annually, both our clans don’t get to gather for the Christmas celebration per se because others live in Manila, Bataan, Apalit and some other places that we just opt to celebrate it exclusively and intimately with our respective families. Then when lunch time comes, everyone would either go to our place and celebrate Christmas, so in the end, it’s all good and merry. :) 

Before Christmas, I spent my day watching two movies: Pitch Perfect and Liberal Arts. Pitch Perfect, I thought, was going to be tacky and the typical musical-type of movie but I thought wrong. I love Anna Kendrick’s voice! Plus they used two of my favourite songs that aren’t really that well-known which made me really happy and sad, at the same time. The songs were Punching In A Dream and Bulletproof. Liberal Arts, on the other hand, made me so proud of Josh Radnor. I mean, I know him for a long time playing the role of Ted in How I Met Your Mother but when I was watching the movie, his movie, to which he wrote and directed himself, I found myself loving him more as a person. The movie was so intelligent, it wasn’t trying to be too much implying and to top it all of, it broke my heart to pieces because of its beauty. I appreciate the arts, I appreciate everyone who appreciates the arts, hell, I fall in love with just about anyone who appreciates the arts that’s why for those of you who are head-over-heels for the arts, do yourself a favour and watch this movie, please. 

And then I helped my Mother cook for our Noche Buena. It would’ve been better if Dad’s around because he moves really swiftly in the kitchen since it’s his kingdom and all, but Dad’s still in Europe so that also means that he missed this year’s Christmas with us since he’s still busy doing a lot of stuff out there. Sad, but we understand. And then we had to go to the mass, half the time I was listening to Father’s sermon and looking up the sky admiring the beautiful moon and stars that illuminate the night, and half the time I was also squirming over cutesy babies that are very very squishy I wanted to cuddle with them. Right now, I just realised that I NEED a fat cute baby to make me really happy! Hahahaha.

I’m supposed to be sleeping already but I decided to rewatch The Perks of Being A Wallflower for the third time. I remembered when I first watched this with my friends, I had to really catch my breath when my favourite parts of the book come to life through the big screen.. Oh well. I guess I still need a lot of tissue rolls here. And a fat baby would be of great help, too.

Sorry for my ramblings, it’s just I really am happy today. I hope you are, as well. :) Please, please don’t forget to pray and don’t forget the real essence of this season.

Oh boy, I really do need to get my butt back in the gym. My weight is up again. Sorry Kuya Arnel! I miss my trainer. :( Hahahaha. 

HAPPY CHRISTMAS, Tumblr! Let us all be super happy!

Last December 1, 2012 I was reminded yet again that I am where I really want to be. And I do know what I truly want in life and that I’m enjoying every bit of it. It was the screening and awarding for the second CineKabalen Kapampangan Film Festival for the year 2012. It was amazing. It still kinda feels surreal.

At first I wasn’t sure if I could go to the said event because it was on a Saturday and it’s scheduled to be held at our university and that we have Saturday classes anyway, I wasn’t positive that I could go since we had a family thing right after. 

And then it occurred to me that this kind of thing doesn’t happen everyday. It’s not everyday that I get to see our work, our team’s work that we started from a simple attempt of joining the film festival, come to life. It may not be on big screen but viewing it from the projector is more than enough. So I decided to go and ditch the family thing. After all, I remembered when Jade and Manuel went to my place last sembreak to plan for this. I remembered when we practically had no idea if we’re going to push through with making this film happen, when we had casting problems for the role of Ana, when I was finally able to work in one project with one of my best friends Charis, when we had to endure the long travel time from our place to Porac so that we could shoot, when the whole team would go to my place and we’d all help each other edit the film, when I literally didn’t sleep at all so that I could stich all the video and just polish it and found myself dumbfounded when iMovie crashed and we lost most of our audios, when we were all silent while we were trying to find a solution for it, the joy that we all felt when we retrieved the files, when we were late for the deadline of submission and we all thought that it’s the end of it all but we ended up submitting it that night anyways… Those kinds of things. And then I decided that I’d go.

Excuse my dementor-like face, grace under pressure the total opposite way! Hahaha. 

Of course I was insecure as hell because it was my first time to join a film production, and I knew that some of those who joined the film festival were damn good and experienced with filming already plus the fact that they used camera lenses that are really good, and of course their skills. But despite all that, I am proud of our film Gusto Da Ka. I am proud of everyone. We’re just 4 in the production team and I’m pretty convinced that a film wouldn’t be successful if it doesn’t have a big production. But, without bragging or anything, I know that our production team, the Snooze Productions, proved that common notion in the field of filming wrong. I know we all worked hand in hand, we were all teaching each other while doing the whole process. And we made it.

When it was time for the screening of all the 17 entries, I found myself enjoying some of the entries made by our fellow Kapampangans. And of course, being a filmmaker (heh, I don’t like labeling myself as that but I’m gonna use it anyway) I also found myself pointing out at some mistakes made by others with their films and I myself admit that we have some mistakes as well but it’s fun doing that because we get to learn from each others mistakes after all. When the projector turned black, and I saw the subtitle ‘It’s her birthday today.’ I immediately knew that it’s ours already, and I literally had chills running down my spine, I had hot flushes as well, but my hands got cold and my knees were shaking so bad and my lips were trembling, I was sandwiched in between Manuel and Charis and I glanced at them both and I was comforted by the fact that both of them are experiencing the same thing with their bodies.

While watching, it was both a mix of reality and fantasy for me. I thought that I wouldn’t be surprised anymore if I watch it on a big screen (projector) since I’ve watched it several times and edited it with my friends but it turned out that having it watched with an audience that are film enthusiasts as well presses all the nervous buttons of my system. Manuel, Charis and I were all aware of everyone’s reactions toward the film and it burns our hearts with love, happiness and gratefulness when we all saw that the audience were enjoying what they see, most were laughing at the crazy antics dropped by Borge’s character, Nico, most people, in my honest and unbiased opinion fell in love with Dayanica’s role, Ana, we found people banging to the song Chill Pill of Quickletsgo! because it’s that catchy, we also found people swooning over the light but lovey dovey feel of our film. And to top it all of, the audience cheered and clapped so loud when the credits were rolling. Our hearts were jumping for joy… And we all wanted to pee at the same time. :))

“Hindi po ako si Dayanica!” Manuel had to get the award for Dayanica. Heeheehee.

When we all saw the entries, it was time for awarding already. I wasn’t expecting our film to win any award, but I wouldn’t lie when I found myself hoping that we would receive just a single award. When it was time for awarding, I didn’t expect that there would also be nominations per category! I just thought that the emcee would mention the winner and just throw the award to the winner… But, yes, there are indeed nominations per category… And out of all the 8 categories, our film, Gusto Da Ka, was nominated 7 times. Seven. We weren’t totally expecting our film to be nominated that much! And there were a lot of entries to choose from as nominees, but apparently the judges (who are big times, by the way) chose our film to be part of it. It was a big deal for all of us when snippets of our film are being shown when the nominees for those 7 categories are being shown because we didn’t expect that much; we are actually content with being part of the official entries for this year alone. But evidently, God has a lot of in store for us. Being part of the nominees and being lined up with the best films say a lot for us. It was sheer bliss. It’s also a bonus that our muse in the film, Dayanica, bagged the best actress award. We were all so happy. We are still so happy.  

Congratulations also to the Matas team and to Earl for being the best actor! With Mr. Tantingco. :) 

I still feel like I’m floating… After the awarding when we were invited to eat at the Museo I was just spacing off when my eyes were drawn to the sky lanterns up the sky and I immediately nudged everyone to watch the lanterns fly up the sky that night. It was beautiful. Just like what just happened with our team.

With Mr. Jason Paul Laxamana. Thank you sir for letting us pass our film even though it was already pass the deadline and for letting us submit a better copy and for making the CineKabalen Kapampangan Film Festival happen.

The Snooze Productions! I am so proud of us… I love you, guys. :’) 

I know that this will not be the last film that we are going to make, and this is definitely the last film festival that we’re going to join. It’s just the first one, and I’m actually excited to show the world what my friends have to show this wonderful world. Filming is marvelous. But to be able to film with your friends makes that even more extra marvelous. Thank You, Lord, for letting this happen.

Like a car crash, there will come a time that you would just feel something over someone. It’s sudden. It just crashes you right through the heart without the airbag that promises to cushion you from an unexpected impact. But unlike a car crash, you know that it is coming, and yet you still keep stepping on the gas pedal. Hard, without even thinking of hitting the break pedal, unmindful of the yellow and red street lights that scream for you to slow down and stop. What your eyes see is just the green light, and yet you push yourself even though you know you’re going to crash eventually.

And what do you get for doing that?

You’re lucky if love is requited. If love is reciprocated. But what happens if you choose to love someone who, unfortunately, doesn’t love you back?

You just keep on falling. Falling and falling but you don’t know where you’re landing. Speeding and speeding without even noticing that you’ve got the break pedal to keep you sane, to keep you safe. It’s like there’s this black hole of infinity that is ahead of you that’ll keep on fixating you unless you fall down on the ground. You don’t know if you’ll fall face up or face down because the flashing lights that come from everywhere blind you, the lights that promised to guide you anywhere turned out that they wouldn’t.  But then again, you don’t know when it’ll end. 

And you know what sucks?

The aftermath of all these journey ahead of self-distraction. There are no more gas stations to fill your feeling of emptiness. You’ve been trapped; there are no more U-turns because you reached a dead end. Or at least you think you have. But you know what’s really the best part of this whole ride?

You’ve got the reverse gear to keep you moving forward. If you notice, it’s quite the irony of it all. In actuality, the reverse gear makes you go back to somewhere you’ve been really intending to go to: to point zero. Back to the point where everything still makes sense. But tell you what; the reverse gear has the power to keep you moving forward, actually. With all life’s humps and steep roads that’ll block you from moving on, the reverse gear, if you’ve the decency enough to pay attention to its real function, it’s one of the things that can truly save you along the way.

So buckle up and roll down your windows and just enjoy the breeze of your journey’s wheels of uncertainty. After all, you are the own driver of your life. Outside forces might affect you, but don’t forget that in life you are really licensed to experience such things to find your own road to sunshine and find your own sunshine that never fails to navigate you wherever you go.

(Hahahahahaha. Shameless blog promotion much?)

Last sembreak, Jade, Manuel and I talked about joining the Cinekabalen Festival for this year. At first, I wasn’t really hesitant about it since I’m used to filming because for the past sem, we were ought to make films from scratch for some of our particular subjects.

Supposedly, we’d all be starting shooting last sembreak but we had a problem in casting for the female role. It should’ve been my best friend who’s going to play the female protagonist but she was busy so.. Whatever. Good thing Manuel thought of Dayanica, who is truly fitting for the role. Thank goodness. :)

We started shooting on the first week of classes because we’re literally nearing our deadline for the film’s submission. Little did we know that we still had to rush on the process of doing it because of the inevitable problems that are quite, err, not that fast and easy to fix. Just like what happened when I was editing. And I promised myself not to settle for mediocracy, but my heart got all too heavy upon knowing who joined for the festival.. I mean, I’m not at all good in filming. Point is, I tried. My best.

But before such negativities, I’d just like to express how grateful and happy I am to be working with most of my favourite people in class! I never really got the chance to work with Charis(considering that we’re both DoPs) and Manuel for school stuff, but hey.. It happened. And it’s for Cinekabalen.

It was my first time to edit a short film. After getting my new laptop last sembreak, I tried to learn how to edit and familiarise myself with the workplace of iMovie. Supposedly, I’d be using Final Cut Pro but there were, yet again, problems.

Even before I wasn’t editing, I knew how hard it is to do so. How scrupulous an editor must be, how strong and awake one must be. Because, it isn’t really for the weak. And I’m not just talking about the physical aspect hear, honey.

When I stayed up all night, without a single wink because I really was that driven to finish the editing so that my friends would be able to check it when they wake up, the freaking iMovie restarted while I was watching the entire film. When I launched iMovie back, I found out that some of the audio clips, the voice over clips even, weren’t functioning well already. I panicked because it was already 6 am and we had to submit it by 5 pm already. I researched about it and saw that it is one of iMovie’s glitches. Still, I had to do something about it.

You just can’t put something you worked so hard for to waste, yes? So I was beside the sleeping Jade and I nudged her to wake and told her that some audios went missing, then nada because she thinks and knows that it’ll be fixed eventually. Luckily, Charis woke up and I told her what happened. We can’t do anything about it.. I was on the verge of crying but I really am not the type of person who cries over something that’s still, to me, is hopeful. Manuel woke up and tried to look into what happened.. I opened Jade’s laptop as well to find solutions for it, and after an hour, I think, of searching for remedies.. ta-daa! It’s fixed. But really, I think I did some waterworks at that time.

Despite all of the things that we had to endure and experience on the whole process, I am still thankful because it made us learn a lot of things. It made us realise how much we love what we do, how much we are passionate about our chosen field, and how much devoted are we into making this film.

When it’s time for submission, we were still in my place putting subtitles for the film. When we traveled from my place to our school, it’s already 7 pm. Jade and Manuel couldn’t get in because they weren’t wearing their uniforms so Charis and I had to check the CKS office if we could still possibly pass our project (that wasn’t even done yet!)

Soooo.. Nada. We went to the faculty to talk to our coordinator but she wasn’t around. To be honest at that time, I still got hope inside of me. I wasn’t at all sad upon knowing that the office was already closed. I still got this tiny hope at the pit of my stomach because I knew that God wouldn’t abandon us. Although some of my friends were really hopeless, to me it wasn’t a case closed. Incidentally while walking down the halls of our college’s building, I saw the Cinekabalen poster pasted in one of the bulletin boards. And so I saved the number and went out of the school premises although the original plan was to attend our last class. When we got out, I first asked my friends if I’d text the number and ask if we could still submit it.. After a couple of minutes, it said yes! Hope springs. (Nope, I am not talking about Tita Meryl Streep’s new movie, which by the way is, amazing!)

Jade, Manuel, Charis and I headed first to a coffee shop to polish our film and burn it. We spent more than an hour there, I think, and I was silently praying that the person who I was texting was still on the area so that we would really be able to submit it.

And with the divine power of God, yes, the person was still there waiting for us despite the measure of time that passed. When we gave him the envelope, I really wanted to cry for bliss. We did it. :)

What a sight. Look at what happened with my desktop when we were done about the whole fiasco… Nevertheless, it’s a good kind of mess that reminds me that no matter how messy the whole process could be, it is still our mess. And it’s a beautiful mess. Cue song: A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz. Har ha ;)

Last night I was stalking the Facebook page for Cinekabalen and saw this.. Screecaps from the OFFICIAL ENTRIES to the 2012 CineKabalen Kapampangan Film Festival. 

Oh my goodness. The word official made my heart skip a beat and upon seeing these screencaps from our film.. Ah, it just means the world to me. And I’m pretty sure to my friends as well who worked really hard for this. Our productions wasn’t big, our equipments are for beginners, in actuality… But, to be able to pass this and be part of the official entries (sorry I just love repeating that), that’s what really matters to me. It’s still kind of surreal for me. Thank you, Snooze Productions for making me laugh albeit the pressure, for everything. I love you all. To my family, to You, dear Lord. We can’t thank You enough. :)

I pray that everyone will like this film, because I personally liked it. :)

Beginnings are always special; you might find it scary but the mystery of the future makes you just want to go on with it and find out what might happen along the way. Friendship is like that as well. When you’ve been friends with someone for a couple of years already, it doesn’t follow that you will be forever friends. On the other hand, it also doesn’t mean that you can’t be forever friends, because you really don’t know what the future holds for everyone. 

3 years ago, Yvette, Ces, Bea, Abby, Renee, Shaiy, Corie, Mel and Gaddi(MIA) crossed each others’ paths. After 3 years they are ALL still together despite the distance, the differences, the new bunch of people in each other’s lives, their crazy busy schedules and the whatnots of life. Three years ago they asked each other to always be in their lives, to always make time to update each other and fortunately, they were all true to their words.

And just like the old times, Abby and I having our houses near Northwalk waited for everyone to arrive almost after 2 hours. Luckily, Bea and Cess were around after an hour of waiting for them. Abby and I had the time to catch up with each other’s lives. I used to always know everything about her since we both go to the same university and I used to be an Accountancy student. When I shifted, I only knew some bits of information about her. I still think that it was a good move for others to be late, yet again, since we had the chance to have this heart-to-heart talk that we used to always have back in first year college. 

I still remember when we all used to text each other lengthy messages during Christmas, New Year’s or one’s birthday and go all about how much we appreciate and love each other. Or write long testimonials in Friendster. Now, even though we just get simple hi’s and hello’s from each other it still matters to us because it just screams that we still think about our friendship and that we care.

It really is hard to maintain a relationship with someone, much less with a clique in high school. You really don’t have the assurance of the cliched word forever since you do not even know if it’s true to it’s meaning. The only thing that can and may prove that it exists is time— time will always, in all ways be our friend since it measures how much your words and actions mean through the years.

We were conversing about an issue and then suddenly I went like, “I wish that we would all just live in a subdivision then Corie will design our houses, then while we’re having coffee just like this but with our own children Cess’ would suddenly be called by her network to cover something, then we will just see Shaiy model in front of the coffee shop while Yvette manages her, and then Renee will audit all our huge accounts, while Abby will take care of the accounting of our money, Bea would be touring us when we go around the world when we have the means to do so already, while me and Michelle try to do our thing in the media, I make films and she’d be part of it and everyone would have a cameo.”

Just like the old times, we’d be having a mirror shot whenever someone’s bringing a camera and there’d be a mirror. Back when Instagram didn’t exist and point-and-shoot cameras were so mainstream, we would all fill it with photos of us. And thank goodness for 3.5 megapixel cameras back then, we were able to treasure worthwhile moments of our friendship through the years.

Just like the old times, Bea would be the forever alone in our group. BUT, in reality she really isn’t. She is our group’s walking energy, she just never rans out of it and we love her dearly for that. Getting bullied by your friends just means, in our group, that we love her. 

It dawned on me that nothing really is permanent in this world no matter how much I ask and pray for our friendship to remain the same. Because no matter what, no matter how much we try, it wouldn’t. And I’m not saying this to defy what I just said before, I am just being realistic here. I used to be the girl who was so so idealistic about everything in this world. When I was in high school and first year college, I already had all these grand and bold ideas about what would my life be like after 10 years or what. I never entertained the idea, more like, the fact that a lot of things would change for us through time. Little did I know, life really doesn’t work that way. It just doesn’t even though you are motivated but not driven about it. 

10 years from now, I pictured us in a compound in the city that we love, having the time of our lives and everything’s working perfectly for all of us. I pictured us living like what a gang in a sitcom does, HIMYM-esque, or F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I think at one point it’s good to daydream about such, but sometimes you’d just wake up and realise that it’s not going to happen in real life. That friendship is really messy, that it’s hard to balance your time and let others get to know the little things that are happening around you, about you. I am not even certain if I’d be friends 10 years from now with all of my high school friends, but I believe it can if you just be persistent about it. If you’re that devoted about your relationship with your friends.

Despite friendship’s uncertainties, the petering conversations that you’d all have in the future because of the lack of things in common to chatter about just like you used to back when you’re all just in the same school, and all the other factors that might affect your relationship, I’m still positive that something will always bound us together. And those are the memories that we all shared together. It can persist through a memory of an old song that you guys used to sing in the karaoke, it can persist through a photograph taken when you all had your first sleepover or when you went out of town for the very first time, or when you all see someone you used to despise, or when you go to a coffee shop that you all used to go to for a hang out. The chains might get loose, but I know my friends will always be my friends no matter what. 

That’s why you guys are in my life.

And now I’m leaving you all with a photo of my friends Renee and Bea, the Twins in our group. With all the sad things that I’ve written in this post, I think it deserves to commence with a crazy photo of this two best friends that remains as such despite LIFE’s happenings. :)

I knew Abby back in high school, she’s the girl who seems to look mataray but when you get to know her, she really isn’t. She’s a very, yes the extremities, sweet girl who has a sweet voice and a contagious laugh that’ll make you want to just tag along with her the rest of the day. Abby and I, through the years, knew each others frustrations in life. And I’m pretty glad to say that we have both overcome life’s little stressors and such. She is also the youngest in our group and she just turned 18 this year! Bea, Renee and Yvette are already 19 whilst our bunso just turned legal!

Of course, we all had to meet up first in Moonleaf to chill and get our much needed milktea fix. I will always love the vibe in Moonleaf Sindalan because of the accomodating and friendly staff and all the Halloween-y ornaments theme that they tried to muster last October. As per usual, the late comers weren’t in this photo. Hi, Yvette! We also have to thank Corie’s dad for driving us to Fontana! (And also here’s to you Mom and Dad for not allowing me to drive he he he)

Abby and her college friends that are from St. Scho as well except for the girl in pink, I think her name’s Jennifer who kinda looks like our high school batchmate Gia! I get dumbfounded whenever I see her also do some of Gia’s mannerisms. Abby has such wonderful friends!

I was so glad that Anjo brought along his camera as well because if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be able to pose around with my pretty friends! We celebrated Abby’s birthday in Fontana and upon getting there, we helped her college friends prepare for the surprise that we have in store for the debutante. ;)

Excuse the grainy photo! I opted to take photos of Abby with her outfit of the day outside but it was already dark so I had to resort to artificial light. I wasn’t surprised that she chose to wear pink since it’s her favourite color ever since. For those of you who knows her Yahoo! Mail, you know what I’m talking about and please do shush down! Har ha. ;) I loved the intricate details of her dress, the shorts, the mesh and everything that’s going on with this outfit that screams ABBY HARRIET! It is so her. :) Why, isn’t she just the sweetest-looking girl?

With the debutante and her cuhraaazy tarpaulin!

So Abby, Yvette and I were trying to take a photo together after making a video for, eh, Call Me Maybe.. While Bea was trying to photobomb us.. And succeeded! I love my girlfriends!

I’m posting this because it’s rare for me to smile without my teeth on and that Yvette’s hair is really, really gorgeous. Hahaha. But in all honesty, I missed this little fellow right here. 

Abby with her lovely sister Issa and their cool and loving mommy. Hihi. Abby’s dad was there as well but I wasn’t able to do a photo opt. Yay!

That’s Abby’s dad right there while she was doing the shaky shaky thing with her roses when we surprised her with it. 

So these girls decided to eat with barehanded since, according to them, it was more comfortable. Yvette and I, on the other hand, chose to use our utensils because I was practically covering the happenings on that night and I really didn’t want my camera to smell like food and for it to get oil and such. Hahaha. But I loved how cowgirls-esque my friends were at that moment. Walang arte-arte!

Bea, being the adorably annoying cutesy person that she is, tried to photobomb Yvette and I while we were taking photos on her iPhone. Hahaha. What is this, forever alone level infinity?! Wait ‘til you see Corie and Anjo’s photo together! If you’re my Facebook friend, I’m pretty sure you haven’t overlooked the funny thing that I posted about Bea.

After dinner we all went for a swim outside albeit the freezing(OA) condition outside. It was freaking cold but we had no choice but to stick to our swimming tradition— hot seat! Well, all of us as you can see, made a circle and played Sasara Ang Bulaklak and whoever gets to be pointed at is the one who’s gonna be on the hot seat, figuratively, that is. Bea, Yvette and I after the hot-seat thing were unstoppable. We were literally dipped in the pool for 4 hours straight talking about our lives and the people around us. Bea and I chose to sleep outside just because and…

When we got up, this was the result. Hahaha. Spell W-A-S-A-K.

Before heading home, we went to Marquee to have our late lunch at The Old Spaghetti House. Bea and Shaiy had their own meetings that day so they weren’t able to join us. 

And then here’s Abby, car pooling us everywhere. :) Thank you, lovely!

It was such a great experience having everyone around ‘cept for Cess who was sick that day. :( They say that your college friends are the ones who will always be around in your life, but I believe that it also applies to your high school friends most especially if you’re with the right kind of clique. I’m very grateful that my friends in high school are really worth keeping and fun to be with. After all, we are all practically sisters from different wombs! Hahaha. If only there’s St. Scho College in Pampanga, I think we would all go there. But what’s the best part about our friendship is, despite the distance, whenever we all get together, it seems like it’s just like high school where all the awesomeness started. ;)

If you want to see some snippets of what happened, CLICK HERE. Btw, this is my first take on video editing so please excuse my sucky editing and videography because I was just having fun. :)

The first instrument that I’ve learned to play, well, obviously, is the piano. When I was a kid, and I’d like to believe I’m still a kid, (and if you notice I’m very generous with my commas), I’ve always seen my cousins play the piano and of course as a child I was curious. 

So I asked my parents if they knew how to play. To my surprise, they both did. Only, my Dad plays better than my mom. Well, that’s one of the few firsts for him being superior over mom. Ha. And so being the curious child that I was, I asked both of them if they could teach me something to play and so they did. And I loved it.

Back then in grade school, I thought most kids of my age knew how to play the piano because it was pretty much let’s just say, the trend for kids— to know how to play the piano because they liked the idea of knowing how to hit the keys but it didn’t really matter to them if it’s their inclination or passion and whatnot. But to me, it was my passion.

My first ever piano teacher excluding my parents was Kuya Edwin. As a piano teacher, he wasn’t laid back. I remember back then when my parents would car pool me to my piano class I was both excited and nervous to meet Kuya Edwin because he was strict as the stick that he used to hold if my wrists tend to touch the edge of the piano. But he’s very nice, really. As a child I really didn’t like the idea of spoon feeding, so I was the type then who tries to play a piece even before asked to by my teacher. Whenever I surprise Kuya Edwin by playing advanced piano pieces back then, I remember seeing him grin like a child prodigy discovering something so brilliant before his very eyes. It always melted my heart whenever I saw that particular reaction from him. And up until now, the memories of that precious reaction from him still lingers whenever I play the piano. It reminds me of how I really love to play.

Then high school came. I had a new teacher because Kuya Edwin stopped teaching piano already. So the resident piano and music teacher in St. Scho, Mrs. Aguilar was the one who continued to teach me advanced piano. She was Kuya Edwin’s opposite. She was laid-back since she assumed that I knew how to play the piano. Which is a good thing, actually. Because I was challenged to learn, not everything, but most of the pieces by myself. She was there to check and correct me if ever there was something wrong. But what I love about the piano is, just like words and grammar, you’d automatically know that there’s something wrong with just upon hearing it. If you commit a grammatical lapse, you’d automatically cringe. And so it is when you hit the wrong key in the piano. 

Funny story. Kuya Edwin had a girlfriend named Karen. When he wasn’t available in the piano school, he’d go to my house and teach me there. One day he brought his girlfriend Karen along. After so many years, when Mrs. Aguilar had to resign from St. Scho, obviously a new teacher replaced her. And guess what. It was Karen, Kuya Edwin’s girlfriend years ago. And I recognized her immediately. And indeed, she was Kuya Edwin’s ex. Heh. Now you tell me, it’s truly a small world after all. 

I didn’t like having an audience when I play the piano. I like to relish the keys, the tones, the pitch, the time signatures, the pedals, the sharps, the flats and whatnots all to myself. It’s always like that with me. I don’t want an audience. If you think it’s sad, why it’s not. I just like the idea of getting lost in the melody of the piano, and it makes me happy whenever I get to read notes by ear and not just by notes notes. I just wish that I was able to really hone my skills in playing. Being the lazy person that I am that likes to do a lot of things, I wasn’t really able to sharpen my skills that much. But, I don’t care. The feeling is just magical. Playing the piano is magical. ♡

So, the typical cavewoman in me got out of her cave and went out to play the piano in the middle of the night because I ached to touch the keys… Oh, the comfort is just inexplainable. :)

You’re eighteen, a girl lost in her own little world, and is uncertain about her life.

It’s always the crazy idea of being a writer, you write but you’re not sure about what you want to write about. What are you meant to do, what you’re doing. You don’t know what you want in this messed-up world, but the only thing that you know is, you do know what you do not want. You want to do this, but your attention shifts to something that you’d want to do, too.

And is that so bad?

It’s terrible. Newsflash. You do know what you want to do. It’s terrible that you do know what to do in your life, but you haven’t had the guts to fully apprehend yet the things that you need to do in order to be focused. You just don’t know. You can’t figure it out because you are so chicken about it, you think the world is so dark, that people around you would be cruel if you do your thing, that you’re a failure, that you can’t do anything, rather write a thing that’s relatable. And guess what, you do it all the time. You are, after all, still the clueless little girl who has still a major self-esteem issue.

But guess what. Here comes the big one. Deep breath, deep breath… Everyone in this world is clueless. I think anyone who claims that they’ve got it all figured out in just one snap is crazy, or let’s just say delusional. It’s okay, you are not made to be perfect. You come off as the strong girl who helps anyone in just about anything, because that’s your nature and it’s okay, but in reality… You need need need to seek for help, or accept one. You just can’t carry all the world’s burdens and just shoo away yours in the back of your hand. I remember one of your friends asking you to ask for his help while you take your coffee out of the vending machine because he sees that you’re struggling, but you said that you can do it. That’s just one of a million instances wherein I saw you do that. Yes, you can do it on your own, but truly the cliche No man is an island is still true. 

The world is a big beautiful mess. And you are, too. If you ache for something, or long for someone in your life, it will come. That person will come. Your time will come and the sun will shine down on you. But please… 

Keep doing your thing, and move. Put your heart where your head should be.

Can I just say that I love my parents to bits?

They’ve given me all that there is to offer in this world, I’m not even being exaggerated here… I don’t love them just because of the material things that they’ve been giving me all this time, but because they are my parents. And I couldn’t ask for more. Except my Dad being around all the time.

So to you, Mommy and Daddy… Please know that your daughter is so grateful about everything that you’ve been giving. Your love, time, sacrifices, care and the values that you’ve taught my sister and I. You just don’t know how grateful I am. I couldn’t and I never want to imagine the world without any of them. It’s quite cheesy but I don’t care, call me cheesy all you want I just love my parents so much. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

I love you, Mommy and Daddy. Daddy and Mommy. Both. So so much. In my world, you guys are the best. Est. Est. :)

When I was young, I was the timid girl who didn’t want to raise her hand in class because I was afraid that my answers would be incorrect, or my thoughts will clash again while reciting something and I assumed that I’d get laughed at if ever that happens.

And so I kept my quiet. Ever since I was young, I remember me staring into the mirror and talking to my reflection, asking so many questions that up until now I have no answers to. Back then I found myself thinking about what on Earth am I doing, why do I have my eyes for, why does it have to be two, what happens when I walk using only my one foot, what am I really made of, what’s the purpose of this skin, can it be molded into different shapes just like a clay? And God knows how much ridiculous questions the little Melissa has in mind. 

I was a curious little girl, I grew up asking a lot of queries to the people around me, until one day I thought to myself that people might get pissed at me because of too much obscure and weird questions that I have. And I thought too that these questions that I’ve in mind are just senseless, that it wouldn’t make a difference whether I knew the answer or not.

And so I became the passive version of me. I got consumed by the idea that everything that I think of is just the obvious, no explanations needed. That everything was just enveloped and sealed in that surface, that there is no depth or soul in beneath it all. So, I didn’t ask anything. In other words, I got mababaw. Well, at least on the surface. But I still thought about things, and I still had a lot of questions in mind. Most especially, about who I am.

Back when we were all still little and carefree, I didn’t know what I was good at. I didn’t know what were my good points. The only thing that I knew back then is that Math was my waterloo, because I hated the idea of numbers. I despised memorization because I didn’t want to make use of my brain for bits of information that will not help me in the future anyway. All I knew back then was that I was the girl who would always carry a journal with her, and of course, even before, I was the girl who was fond of reading the Sweet Valley book series back in grade school, who was fond of writing her friends a lot of lengthy letters everyday, just to express her thoughts into writing.

Back then, and up until now I guess, we still can’t help but think to ourselves who we really are. Instances like reviewing for a series of periodical exams, and you’d choose this subject over the other since you believe that you’re good at that particular subject, both in grade school and high school where you were forced to choose which club you’re getting into… These little things that make you realize who you really are, what’s the definition of your being, or who really is Melissa. 

Point is, we all shouldn’t be afraid of finding who we really are, what we really want to do in life. It’ll just make your life less complicated and you’ll have the chance to find a better, if not, the best version of your very own self.

And it makes me wonder… I hope that everyone is brave enough to make their right choices in life, that everyone must hear their own voices just before they close the door to something that they are desperately yearning to achieve— that is their right of passage that’ll eventually lead them home, back to where their hearts are. Of course, being the sheer clear real personas that they dream to be.

There are times wherein you’ll find yourself thinking, “Why does everyone seem to have all the love in the world, and here I am feeling so unloved?” I admit, there are really those moments, moments that you just can’t help but feel sad about not being adored, cared of, loved and whatnot.

But my God, fret not. I am mistaken. I am adored, people around me care and I am loved. And you are, too. You are adored. People care. You are loved.

Love comes in so many forms, it’s just that sometimes we are blinded by the thought of everyone having that romantic kind of love that we tend to forget that in this world that we live in, everyone is capable to be loved by someone. No matter what.

It comes in so many ways that it’s kind of saddening that most of us fail to recognize the little things and are, yet again, blinded by the notion that love just comes in a romantic package. Love is everywhere. It’s when you wake up in the morning and see your family around, breakfast being served and all. It’s when your parents scold you for not going home early because they want you safe all the time. It’s when your friend scolds you about not getting over the past that hinders you to go on with your life. It’s when you put a label to a person, a label that gives you a certain responsibility to take care of that person. It’s when your teacher tells you to do better, because s/he believes in you. It’s when you look up the stars and see how infinite they are, just like what all the people who love you feel for you. It’s when you hear the sound of the waves against the sand, it’s when you savor the vast ocean and let your skin be kissed by the sun. It’s when the rain hits hard on the ground and then you see the rainbow which promises you that in this world, everything is going to be fine after the storm. It’s when a book makes you feel lost in this world, lost in a sense that it makes you travel to a place you’ve never been. It’s when you take a photograph of a person, a scenery, of an object which makes you save a moment that might not happen anymore. It’s when you get some crazy deja vu in the most unexpected times and your friend spanks you for being so gaga about it. It’s when a stranger smiles at you and makes you feel comfortable in his/her company. It’s when you get to put all your feelings and thoughts into writing and have it read by someone close to you. It’s when all your hardships are recognized by the people that love you. It’s when your distant friend asks to meet up with you despite the distance and how busy s/he is. It’s when the silence of your house makes you feel comfortable and safe. It’s when you know that there is someone up above that is watching over us. It’s when a single soul in this world, reads this blog post that makes me feel loved.

There are so many, so many ways to make you feel loved and alive in this world. Everyday, there is a reason to be happy. And if I’ve just the power to embrace all the people who are sad and are feeling weary right now, I would. Just to cast away all their problems and sadness in just one snap, I would. If everyone in this world is happy and emanates all the freaking sunshine-y vibes that we all could muster, wouldn’t it help to make this universe a better place? ;)

Universe, group hug!

Sometimes it’s just better to tell someone straight in the face that you like him or her. But what is it, really, that makes a person stop in saying what s/he really feels?

Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of commitment. Fear of not knowing what lies ahead. Fear of putting one’s friendship at risk. Fear for the unknown. And a million kinds of fear that will forever hinder you from telling the truth.

Then again, what will you lose if you tell someone the truth, anyway? Why are we so afraid of pouring our hearts out to another soul? What is there to lose? Maybe, just maybe, there are times that some things are better left unsaid. That in life there are things that you shouldn’t let anyone know but yourself. That there are certain facets of your inner soul that you just can’t share with anyone. That mystery will just solve everything instead of trying to blurb out all your heart’s longings and desires in life. But at the end of the day, I think it’s safe to say that mystery still has the power to put you into misery. I should know.

Oh, what a crazy world. It’s quite interesting to know how each of us live by and survive all the exhilarating shenanigans we all could pull off everyday. Just like what Alanis Morisette would sing about, “But we’re never gonna survive, unless we get a little crazy.”

GPOY. This photo was taken by my friend Paul while we were in Masantol for our InfoComm class. The agony of traveling from San Fernando to Masantol is not even explicable, but the fulfillment of getting there still makes all our hardships worthwhile. I think it made most of my classmates realize how lucky are we living in the city and having access to just about everything. But really, i’m just posting this photo because it basically sums up the feelings that I have at the moment. Also, I don’t like it when someone is taking a photo of me that’s why I always end up having a shot like this. Teehee.

Weeks ago our photography professor, Sir Nigel, invited us to his magazine’s event in Clark and back then we were all so relaxed. I can even smile properly and make a fool out of myself while my classmate Aim talked to the guy who I did a photoshoot with back in prelims. Turns out that the guy was also a photography-nazi so he was there and Aim asked him to take a photo with me.. Shameful yet funny. And if you’re wondering where the photo is, I wouldn’t be posting it because it is out of focus. Har ha.

Note to self: Always put camera on auto mode when asking someone to take your photos.. Ajujuju. These I AM statements are from Nikon and it was kind of awkward for me because I use Canon and I was able to acquire a lot of Nikon freebies that time… Funny, because I used to be a Nikon user. Heh.

Probably two of my favorite persons in class.. One of my closest girlfriends, Charis, to whom I’ve always confided to over the years.. And my brother Mano, who I’ve only met for almost 4 months but knows even the most deepest part of my heart and my frustrations in life. These two keep me sane. Also, these two never fail to annoy me when they purposely utter the words that I despise like ‘peg’ and ‘cutie.’

A little sneak-peek to our final film in LEMM. I was groupmates with some of my favorite people in class so despite the exhausting shooting per se, I like to think that most of us had fun because of the working environment. Go, PS Productions! :) *inside joke*

Yesterday, I was tasked to take photos of our photography professor, Sir Nigel, for our newspaper in PrintMed. I was insecure as eff taking a photo of him. I mean, after all, he IS my professor. Sir is quite mysterious, but got really playful while I was taking his photos. He was shaking his hands so that I’d get a blurry one, I’d have to change the shutter speed per shot because he was that playful but in the end he was very cooperative.. BUT, again, I was insecure the whole time. Hahaha.

Tonight I got a text that Paul’s laptop crashed and all our video clips got deleted.. I got all too sad to the point that instead of crying, I just spaced out for about a good amount of time because all our video clips for our magazine show in RTV are there and we didn’t have back up. For a moment I thought of writing a new script but before attempting to do that, I discovered that it was just a prank. A bad kind of prank. Hahaha. Of all the outputs that we are making at the moment, this one is what I’ve taken my full attention to because I wanted to redeem our group. I pray that we will. :) Please pray for us, too.

The thing that made me feel infinite the whole time: Watching The Perks of Being A Wallflower. When I read the book, I promised my best friend that we will be watching it together. It kind of saddens me that I wasn’t true to my words since I watched it with three of my guy friends Mano, Paul and Jeric, which I don’t regret, anyway. :) I was also supposed to watch it with Lacel, Charis and the rest of the gang but they had their shoot the day we decided to watch it. I also don’t regret not waiting for a week or two, because the movie isn’t premiered in most of the cinemas here in Pampanga, which means we are lucky to have been able to watch the movie first.

I was sandwiched in between Mano and Jeric and I was grabbing Jeric and Paul’s hands the whole time when I was on the verge of crying the whole damn time because the movie was just that beautiful and it’ll really hit you— right through the deepest, deepest, part of your heart. It was, indeed, without a doubt, an infinite moment. Stephen Chbosky made me in love with Charlie, Sam and Patrick a hundred times more. ** Although why didn’t they play Landslide in the tunnel scene? Huhuhu

Piece of advice, please read the book first before watching it.

And again, Communication Arts is not for the weak. Please pray for us as we face the final stretch of this semester.

Love always,

Mel

Tonight I felt like a needed an outlet. My parents won’t talk to me about it— it’s like the issue is done and I will never have a say about it. 

I am tired. I admit, as a kid I grew up with everything laid out in front of me, without me having to do this and that. I had my yaya, I still have our maid at present, as a child I never had to ride jeepneys or tricycles, I grew up having cars all around me. I grew up living the good life, thanks to my parents, and I am not bragging about it. 

It’s just that now, I am so so tired already. All the inconveniences I’ve ever imagine I wouldn’t experience, I am now experiencing. My house is an hour away from the school if I commute. When I was in first year college, it was okay with me. Okay in a sense that, wow, now this is what commuting feels like. Okay that I get to see random faces around, okay that from time to time I get to experience such things. Then second year came, when I shifted from Accountancy to Comm. Arts. And with that, there came the most impossible schedule per semester that I had to endure, those long breaks when I had to go back and forth from home to school, those exhausting jeepney rides and icky encounters with sweaty and stinky people, when I myself am already stinky because of the scorching heat, when I get to ride slow jeepney drivers that stop for God knows how many minutes just to get passengers without them considering that some of their passengers might be late. I  was patient, I knew that I had to go through such things for school. 

Third year came. We had to schedule shoots from different places, we are all so caught up with different outputs for different subjects, not to mention the deadline that we’re all trying to meet, and the time given to us for such. Last week, we went to Clark for a magazine shoot. We went to different places, we had no car. We had to commute. I did not complain because I know it’s for the group and our project, but what made me frustrated this week was when, apparently, our group’s output when got criticized, was bad. Well, I can’t judge the panel because that’s what their stand about our output but what really frustrates me is that I’ve laid all my possible energy for that output, I braved the storm and the rain for it, and then in the end all I’d get, our group would get, was that. I knew the problem, one of which is that, truly, I need to drive my car.. 

All along I thought that my parents trusted me. I know they do, but when it comes to this, I think they don’t. I know how to drive, I was taught how to drive defensively, I am old enough to be aware and mindful of the road, for Chrissakes. But the problem is, my parents still think that I am a freaking baby. They wouldn’t let me use the car if I’ve a passenger. At the moment, everything is so inconvenient for me. I know there are a lot of people who have bigger problems than mine, but my point is, it’s just that I am really tired. 

I am not the type of person who succumbs easily, I know myself. I trust that I’m not the type of person who gives up so easily, but when I am already pushed to my limits.. I break down. Which I am doing right now, that’s why I’m writing this blog post. I don’t mean to sound like an ungrateful spoiled brat, I know how my parents work hard for me, it’s just that.. I don’t want to be stuck in the freaking comfort zone forever. It’s not really comforting, ironically. 

Get me out of this zone, please. Mom and Dad, please stop it with all the restrictions and stuff. I don’t want this, anyway. I need it. So, so, so bad.

Today, dear reader, I heard my guy friend cry over the phone— no, I heard my man friend cry over the phone. I put emphasis on the word man because this friend of mine has gone a lot of things— with life, with love and with all the unfair things life has made him experience, so far.

But he never gave up. Although I know he is on the verge of losing it… I still don’t want to see him in that kind of situation. Sure, he needs to vent, cry and lay down all the questions that he needs to get answers with, but I really don’t want to see him break. Like that.

He has to prevent that. He needs to.

Actually, I don’t want anyone, not even a strange soul, to feel broken, restless and worthless. The world, with all its uncertainties that has the power to surprise us, is still a wonderful place to live in. The things that we discover, the feelings that are buried in the depths of our being, the places that we will go to, the people that will touch our lives and the experiences that they will offer us… It’s all just too precious to waste. Life is beautiful, it may not always be, but it is.

My dear friend told me like i’m a pessimist cloaked in freaking rays of sunshine. And you know what, I think she has a point. I noticed that, as a person who writes about anything, I’ve particularly taken a liking on writing to encourage people, to make them feel good about themselves and motivate them with all the sunshine that I could lay upon them. But, I don’t know. I guess sometimes, there really are times that it is hard to practice what you preach. And that’s what I’m trying to learn at the moment.

I’d like to think that I am a brave person, that I trust myself in everything that I do, that I don’t have to get the confirmation of anyone when I am given a task, that I can work well on my own. But I just can’t seem to think of that. I might come off as a strong and independent person, but in reality, I have a lot of needs. And surprisingly, I don’t see anything wrong about that. :)

We all have our own baggage. We all have our own bags to carry. But the weight that we put on each of them still depends on us, depends on how we deal with such unfortunate but worth experiencing circumstances as we all humbly get to know the universe that we live in, and of course, the people around it.

Besides, life’d be pretty boring if you know what happens next. 

So to you, my man friend who I’m positive will get some dose of his own sunshine someday, just hang in there and hold on to the fact that life is beautiful. Just like what I said earlier, at the moment it might not appear to be, but it will be. :)

Sometimes I really don’t understand why life is so complicated, why people make things complicated and why do people, upon knowing the fact that life is complicated, tend to make things even more complicated for them.

I know. It’s easy for me to say, but i’m positive that it’ll be hard if I’m faced with the same situation and I can’t deal with it as opposed to the manner that I say it.

But to you, to the person who’s reading this, and for those people who I’ve grown to love and be so attached with for the past few months, please trust that you can go through all what you’re going through. I know such things will pass, and I thank you for trusting me all your emotions and defeats in life. 

One day the sun will be shining down on us. On you.